Dating 101
by Texanlady
Summary: Eric appoints a very important task to Pam.  Pam, ever the faithful sidekick, sets about researching and teaching her Maker how to date a human.  More specifically Sookie.


Written by: TexanLady

Beta'd by: NYCSNOWBIRD

Dating 101

'_I don't see why I have to do this shit! I'm not the one interested in catering to the whims of a human_,' Pam groused with no small amount of annoyance. '_I swear, the indignities I suffer ever since my master laid eyes on that human. First he makes me deliver her payment for Dallas like some flunky. Now he has me doing this shit!_'

Pam was sitting on her bed and all around her were different relationship advice books and dozens of newspaper clippings of Dear Abby articles. She'd been scouring these resources for days now per Eric's request. He'd told her he needed to know how to woo a human woman. His exact order had been, "Research this modern day dating phenomena and tell me how to excel at it. Sookie is not like Yvetta and will not be happy with money and sex. I need to know how to _date_ in order to make her mine. I also need to know how to make amends to her for using her to defeat Russell. She has not returned my calls and every time I send flowers, candy, or money to her she sends it back. Research the issue and report back to me."

Personally, she found the entire endeavor ridiculous. Why didn't her Master simply claim Sookie? She'd pitch a fit, bitch and moan, but sooner or later she'd come around. '_I mean, with Eric as her Master, how could the silly girl not? It's Eric! All 6'2 Viking sex god of him! He's male sexuality personified. Not to mention smart and funny. Sookie knows that first hand, which is proof in itself as to how much Eric cares about her. Eric interacts with Sookie as himself. Well, as much as he can since she belongs to Bill, or had belonged to the idiot. Eric never does that, and as far as I know I am actually the last human Eric has been himself around before Sookie. So that just proves how greatly my Master thinks of Sookie Stackhouse_.' So Pam just couldn't understand why the girl wouldn't want to belong to her Master. She didn't understand it and she certainly didn't understand why she was now researching ways for her Master to date Sookie Stackhouse.

Highlighter in hand, Pam underlined a particular passage in one of the Dear Abby articles she'd clipped out. It detailed the need for communication between couples. Apparently it wasn't enough that her Maker actually felt bad for using a human in order to survive, which certainly wasn't a crime in Pam's opinion, nor was it enough that he'd tried to pay off all the girl's bills in apology along with those ridiculous daily deliveries of flowers and candy. Now her Master actually had to sit down with Sookie! Sit down and talk with her as though she were his equal! He had to explain himself to her as though she was his judge and jury! He had to apologize!

'_This is rubbish! Human men actually apologize for being logical? For doing the only possible thing? They humble themselves before their mates and admit to being wrong even when they're not? How pathetic! I can't believe Eric is even considering doing any of this! He should tell Sookie to grow the fuck up and get over it already! He only did what was necessary in order to keep us all alive, and she's acting like he literally did throw her under the bridge._'

Quickly scanning several more articles, Pam highlighted the texts she considered pertinent to Eric's current dilemma before finally deciding she had enough material to work with. She'd been researching this issue for the last three nights, and she felt sure she had a good solid report to give her Maker. Gathering up the articles of Dear Abby she'd cut from the newspapers, she clipped them together and placed them inside a folder along with the few pages of bulleted notes she'd made to reference the books she'd purchased on the matter. After she had everything assembled neatly, she placed them in a box and put it in the backseat of her sports car so she could head over at once to Eric's. He was in the middle of remodeling his house to suit having a human companion in preparation of his inevitable success of making Sookie his.

Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into Eric's driveway and made her way inside. She found Eric in the kitchen examining a set of instructions that came from a box that apparently held something called a coffee pot. She was fairly certain she'd seen one of those in the cramped employee lounge at Fangtasia. Contrary to what many believed, Eric did not have servants to see to his every need. His home was exactly that. His. He'd brought a witch there to perform several cleanliness spells when he'd initially purchased the home, and that was it. Other than her, he'd allowed no one else inside, and she found she was actually jealous he was going to such lengths to make it inhabitable for Sookie. She and Eric had stopped sharing a bed a long time ago, and she was more than happy with her decision to take only female lovers, but she was honest enough with herself that she didn't want to share her Maker's attentions.

'_I'm really going to have to start finding something more redeemable about Sookie than her cup size. Eric's made it apparent he intends for her to not only be his human companion but my sister one day, so I must start seeing her as something other than an annoying telepath with a totally fuckable scent. Of course I like that peach shaped ass of hers as well. I bet it would look lovely with my hand print on it from a nice little spanking.'_

Pam's fangs threatened to snap down at that particular line of thought, and she forced her lust back to adopt better control. Eric had already made it apparent that he had no intention of sharing Sookie, which truly was a pity. Pam might not appreciate much of what came out of the girl's mouth, but she was certain she could appreciate other things the girl could do with it. With how loud and long that girl talked, she had to have incredible tongue stamina. At least Pam liked to think she did.

At the kitchen counter, Eric looked up from the instructions he was reading, and asked, "Did you complete your assignment?"

Shaking her own box, Pam replied, "Have I ever failed you?"

"Not yet, but this is certainly not your area of expertise and I know you have a less than favorable opinion about my intentions for Sookie."

"I might I have a more favorable opinion if you intended to share."

"No."

Stomping her foot, Pam pouted, "But she smells so fucking amazing!"

Eric's smile was pure fang as he replied, "I'm aware. She tastes even better."

"Just one little taste?"

"No, unless Sookie agrees to it."

Pam knew the likelihood of that happening was slim to none. Her Maker had taken Sookie's blood by force once, something Eric had made known would never happen again, by his fang or any other vampire's, and once as a gift since he nearly died for her. "Well I certainly am not going to lay my life down for a chance to taste her, so I guess it will never happen."

Arching a brow, Eric stated, "You don't even like Sookie, why the sudden fascination?"

Shrugging, Pam explained, "I may not be interested in more than her blood and body like you, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a world class fuck when I see it. She might be inexperienced but that girl is definitely a dynamite in the sack I'm willing to bet."

Eyes narrowing, Pam growled, "And you're just plain selfish to refuse to share her. I shared Fatima with you!"

"That was sixty years ago, and you only shared her with me because you lost a bet!"

"Not the point. I still shared her and you should let me have Sookie for a night once you make her yours to even the score."

"No, but I will allow you to continue to try and persuade her to your way of thinking as long as I get to watch. And film, though it would probably be best we not tell her about that."

Eyes alighting with happiness, Pam asked, "So you'll let me have her if she agrees?"

"That's not what I said, I said I'd share her for a night as long as I can watch and record it if Sookie decides she wants to experience Sapphic love, but if she says no then that's the end of it."

Already formulating plans to seduce Sookie to her way of thinking, Pam teased, "And you won't be mad if she leaves you to become my human afterwards? You pitched quite the fit after Catalina abandoned your bed and became my pet."

Eric stiffened as he growled, "Catalina doesn't count. I had six other women while we were in Spain. If I hadn't been spreading myself so thin each night she never would have left my bed for yours. If I hadn't had limited time to devote to fucking each of my pets each night in between my duties for the king, as he had hired me as an enforcer, if you remember, then Catalina would have been more than satisfied to remain mine."

"Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better."

"Enough of this foolishness. You did not come here for this. Let's go into the living room and you can tell me what you have found."

"Very well."

Once they were both seated and she'd pulled out all of her materials, Pam began, "I researched the topic thoroughly. I bought a number of relationship books, but most of the information I found to be useful came from Dear Abby."

"What is Dear Abby?"

"She's an advice columnist, and she provides advice to both men and women all through the United States. Her word is law when it comes to relationships with humans."

Indicating her papers, Eric said, "Very well, begin."

Pam pulled three of the books she'd found most useful out of her box and handed them to her Maker as she explained, "These are the relationship books that I found to be of most help. Many of them contradicted each other, but these did contain some helpful hints."

Pulling out her paper with her bulleted points, she continued, "I've marked the chapters and highlighted the passages you should pay close attention to, but, from what I can tell, the start of any successful relationship with a human woman begins with proper courtship."

"She has no father for me to petition, and from what I've seen Sookie's brother is far more of a burden than a provider or protector, so just how am I supposed to court her?"

To date Eric's interaction with women had largely been carnal. He dealt with whores and experienced women who were no strangers to casual sex. Courtship? From what he remembered of human courtship, it entailed petitioning the girl's father for the right to be considered a potential suitor. Eric wasn't entirely sure he wanted to go through the hassle of human marriage to bind Sookie to him, but if that was what was necessary to claim her, he would do so. It would be a chore, but it would be worth it for Sookie be his and only his. An idea popping into his head, Eric suggested, "How about I simply present her with an engagement ring and be done with it? We can fly to Vermont and take care of everything in a night."

"Eric, it doesn't work like that."

"Why not? It worked for Compton, and I can get her a much nicer ring than that idiot did."

Trying her best to stifle a sigh of exasperation, Pam stated simply, "Eric, you have to get to know a human woman before marrying them in today's world. It's not like olden times. Besides, would you even be willing to go through all of that mess? Think of the publicity it would draw? Fangbangers throughout the state would be devastated and other vampires would think you were whipped by a human."

"I don't care what any of those idiot humans think think, and once the word spreads throughout the supe community about what Sookie is, they'd understand why I bound myself to her. I already told you, I intended to marry her in supe fashion after I made her mine to make my claim indisputable."

"But a human ceremony? You are aware of the pomp and fuss those entail?"

"Indeed, but as I understand it, immediately following the ceremony is a lengthy amount of time dedicated to nothing but consummating the union. I can tolerate a few hours of hell for uninterrupted time spent fucking Sookie."

Considering her Master for a moment, Pam finally announced, "Well, if you do have a wedding I will, of course, have to plan and organize the whole thing. Sookie's taste is too simple. She'd want some backyard barbecue affair and that simply wouldn't do. You will make sure she understands it's my party to organize."

"I'm fairly certain it's supposed to be about the bride, and Sookie is supposed to plan the day according to her tastes."

"No, it's my party. I'll plan it, but I'll concede to letting her pick her dress after—"

"How charitable of you."

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say I'd let her pick her dress after I picked out suitable options. I'll pick out six and she can choose among them. I'll get your clothes as well. I wonder what color scheme I'll use."

Pam's face took on a pensive look as she pulled out a new sheet of paper, her pen, and began jotting down a few notes. "I think a red and white theme would be perfect. I'm thinking lovely white orchid and red rose centerpieces for each table will work for the reception, but the actual venue for the ceremony will take some time to decide. Wherever we have it, the aisle will be solid red rose petals. That will make a lovely contrast. We'll have draping red and white silk banners connecting the pews, and lighting crystals hanging from the ceiling. We'll hire the best donors for the vampire guests, and Wolfgang Puck for the humans; I hear he's supposed to be one of the best. Naturally I'll be the maid of honor, and that's all Sookie will need bridesmaid wise. I refuse to stand next to humans. I'll have to go over her guest list carefully since most of the people she'll want to invite will not be allowed. As far as entertainment, we'll—"

"Pam! Don't you think you're getting a head of yourself? I haven't even gotten a date with Sookie yet."

Waving her hand dismissively, Pam explained, "It takes time to plan these things properly, Eric. I want my party to be perfect."

Eric thought about pointing out to Pam that if he married Sookie the wedding and reception wouldn't be about her, that it would be Sookie's party to arrange, but the determined glint in his child's gaze waylaid him. '_Sookie will have to battle Pam for rights to plan it herself. I know when to pick my fights_.'

With that in mind, he said, "Very well, plan your party, but for now can you focus on the task at hand? What do I need to date Sookie? Explain modern courtship to me."

Jotting down a few more notes about designers she was sure would work well to design her bridesmaid gown (and Sookie's wedding dress, if they had time), Pam put her party plans away and retrieved her paper with notes containing all the most important pieces of information she'd collected from the books she'd purchased. "As I was saying, apparently in order to start your relationship with Sookie properly you must first verify your intentions towards her. A proper courtship is needed."

"And how is courtship different today than it was before?"

"Well first off, the father and other male relations are only involved in the process if the girl decides they are. Apparently, you do not approach them for permission to date her, you approach Sookie herself."

Processing that information, Eric asked, "What about the bride price? Who do I pay that to?"

"There is no bride price."

"No bride price?" Eric couldn't fathom such a notion. "Fathers and brothers give their women away for free?"

Growing irritated, Pam answered, "Eric, I just told you that fathers and brothers aren't really involved in the courtship process anymore. The decision is entirely up to Sookie."

"Then I pay her her bride price?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course."

"Then why are we still talking about the bride price?"

Not understanding the situation at all, Eric pressed, "How am I to show how much I value her, what I consider her worth to be, if I cannot provide a bride price?"

"I'm trying to explain that!"

Sitting back on the couch, Eric waved an impatient, angry hand at Pam's notes and growled, "Then do so."

Pam's eyes narrowed. It's not like she'd become so infatuated with a human she was willing to degrade herself by _dating_ so Eric should be thankful she'd gone to so much trouble to acquire the necessary information he'd need to accomplish his goals. She'd could have been a real bitch and given him directions that would only land him in further trouble, but no, she'd actually read every relationship book she could find at the bookstore and clipped out every Dear Abby article on the subject. And _this_ was the thanks she got?

Shaking off her growing aggravation, Pam continued, "Dating is how you will show Sookie how much you value her. Dating has taken the place of a bride price. A man can no longer simply offer up an exorbitant amount of money to show his level of desire or sincerity in acquiring a woman. Nor can a woman be bought … well, unless she's a whore."

"Sookie is no whore."

"Exactly, and that is why you must go about this dating thing perfectly if you are to win her."

"What happens if I do not date her perfectly?"

Checking her notes, Pam looked for the exact terminology she'd referenced and announced, "If you do not date Sookie correctly she will 'dump you' according to my research."

"What does that mean?"

"She'll reject you as a suitor and you will be banished from her life. She will delete your number from her phone, ban you from her Facebook and other social networking accounts, and throw out anything you've bought her. My research indicates she may or may not key your car, depending on the reasons she dumps you."

"Well that can't happen."

"Stating the obvious, are we?"

"Looking to be punished, are we?"

Another eye roll. "Eric, you are becoming such a bore over this girl."

"Pam," Eric growled, "just get to the point. Explain to me how to date Sookie properly so she will not dump me."

Pulling out another list, Pam said, "From my research there are some rules you must follow as a boyfriend."

"I am no boy, nor do I wish to be just friends."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend are the new terms for intendeds."

"Oh, continue."

"As I was saying, my research indicates that boyfriends must follow a very strict set of rules and procedures in order to not be dumped by their women."

"Which are?"

In a matter-of-fact voice, Pam began, "One, you must ask Sookie's permission for everything. Before making plans about anything. Whether you wish to do something with her, or if you wish to do something alone. She must know about it beforehand and sign off on it. Two, you must—"

"You cannot be serious!" Eric was completely flabbergasted. Men subjecting every second of their lives to their women's rule? He'd never heard of such a thing!

"Why don't you save the shock and awe for when I'm done. Believe me, Eric, it only gets worse."

"I cannot see how."

Her smile was all satisfaction as Pam announced, "Fidelity is how it gets worse. The second part of being a boyfriend is not having sex with anyone else but your girlfriend."

"Fidelity?" The word was foreign to him, and rolled off his tongue uncomfortably. "Human men no longer take multiple partners as long as they properly provide for their chosen female?"

"If they do and their women find out about it, they get dumped, and if you're thinking about keeping anything from a _telepath_, Master, I'm really going to start doubting the state of your mental capacities."

That was definitely worse. Much worse. '_However, I'm sure once I begin teaching Sookie the delights of sex she will become curious and wish to expand her horizons. I can be monogamous long enough for her own appetites to grow and then we can enjoy multiple partners together. Yes, that will work.'_

Coming to a decision, Eric pressed, "What next?"

"Third is you must always put the seat down."

"What seat?"

Shrugging, Pam replied, "I don't know, but every book I read maintained that the putting down of this seat was vital to the longevity of any relationship with a human female. Apparently it has been the source of many a dumping, so I would suggest you find out exactly what seat it is Sookie will need you to put down, and then glue it down so you don't forget."

Not finding that too difficult, Eric said, "That shouldn't be too hard. What else?"

"Four is that you must continually prove your affection for her through sincere gestures that prove you value her as a person and individual and not just as a source of food and sex."

"These books are familiar with the relationships between vampires and humans?"

"No, but apparently human men treat their women the way vampires treat their pets, though I'm fairly certain they meant women cooking for men instead of providing blood."

"Oh, so what kind of gestures?"

"You'll have to figure that out for yourself. The book said they should be sentimental, showcasing the importance you place on the relationship as a whole. It did provide some examples such as remembering certain dates of events between the two of you like your first official date or first kiss. Perhaps keeping the ticket stub to a movie you saw together and presenting it to her in some romantic gesture."

Arching a brow, Eric questioned, "And these trivial actions would prove my desire and dedication to Sookie above the beheading of an enemy, the paying of her bills, and a public declaration that Sookie is mine, that she belongs to me and is under my protection?"

"Yes, and you must refrain from saying Sookie belongs to you in front of her as much as possible."

"Why? If she becomes my girlfriend she will belong to me and it is my right to make sure others know that."

"Not according to human standards. Not anymore, at least."

"Explain this to me."

"Women belong to themselves now and do not wish to be thought of or spoken of as objects. Where once a man of standing and power such as yourself laying claim to a woman was a point of pride, apparently now it would only indicate that Sookie is too weak or stupid to care for herself, which would shame her."

Shaking his head at the ludicrous idea, Eric argued, "That is ridiculous! My claiming and care of her indicates how worthy she is, not the other way around. Humans become more foolish by the decade."

"Indeed, I don't understand it myself, but the books are very clear on the issue."

"So if I attempt to protect and care for Sookie she will dump me because my doing so would shame her?"

"Yes."

"Then how the hell do human males care for their females? How do they provide for them and protect them?"

Checking her notes, Pam explained, "If you wish to pay Sookie's bills you must marry her in order to do so, otherwise all bills must be split 50/50, and even then that only applies if the two of you live together. If you don't live together than she will want to pay all of her bills herself."

"So you're saying if I move her in with me without marrying her I'll have to share half of my bills with her?"

"From what I've read, yes."

"Absolutely not. It is not Sookie's place to care for me other than to provide companionship, pleasure and comfort." Eric thought the matter over for a moment and asked, "What if I move in with her? Can I then pay half of her bills without causing her shame?"

Another quick scan of her notes and Pam affirmed, "Indeed. If you are living together you will be allowed to pay half of the bills without shaming Sookie, but she would still want to pay half of yours. Credit cards, car payment, insurance, and things like that."

"I just won't tell her about them."

"You could try that, but that leads to number five in the human relationship rules."

"And five is?"

"You are not allowed to lie to Sookie. Ever, and, if you do, you had better not get caught because she'll never let you forget it and will hold it against you in every argument you have thereafter."

Pam reached into the box and pulled out her stack of Dear Abby articles, and explained, "According to Dear Abby you cannot—"

"Dear Abby is the supreme authority on relationships with human women?"

Taken aback, Pam huffed, "She is practically a human goddess! She is never wrong, and her advice will be crucial to your success with Sookie."

"Then tell me everything she's said."

Holding out several articles she'd found to be the most significant, Pam affirmed, "These articles detail the relationships between chauvinistic men and sensitive women. I decided they would be the most helpful to you since they most resemble the relationship you and Sookie might have."

"I am not chauvinistic, I'm knowledgeable and authoritative."

"I doubt Sookie will agree, and if you don't want to be dumped you'd better listen to Dear Abby."

Not liking the direction all of this was heading, Eric demanded, "Tell me what Dear Abby says I need to do."

Pointing at the top article, Pam clarified, "This one highlights the importance of open and honest communication between the two of you. Dear Abby says if you don't constantly tell Sookie how you feel about her, yourself, your lives together, and anything and everything else, Sookie will feel as though you don't need her or appreciate her."

Snatching the article out of Pam's hands Eric read it quickly and snapped, "It does not say that!"

"So I paraphrased a bit, but the overall message is that Sookie will need you to talk to her about everything. A lot. All the time."

"Talk?"

"Talk." Holding out the other articles, Pam added, "Dear Abby reiterates in almost all of her articles the need for open and honest communication. If you are angry, you must tell Sookie. Tell her that you're angry and tell her why. The same goes if you are sad, happy, excited and every other emotion there is."

Not liking the sound of that, Eric asked, "What about privacy?"

Scanning through the different articles Pam said, "I don't think that was ever brought up. Dear Abbey does mention the need to respect Sookie's boundaries and need for space from time to time, but no mention of privacy on the part of the male was mentioned I don't think."

"That hardly seems fair."

"I think human women are getting revenge on males for the many centuries of discrimination they feel they suffered, and are now requiring men to jump through hoops in order to be with them."

"Obviously. Is there anything else?"

Nodding vigorously, Pam agreed, "Oh yes. You must make an effort to be interested in her life. Her family, friends, and personal interests must become important to you. So whatever she likes you must like also."

"Her friends are idiots, and her brother is a step above a trained monkey. How am I supposed to interact with these fools and make it appear as though it is not a chore?"

"I don't know, but if you want to date Sookie correctly, and keep from being dumped, you must find a way."

Beginning to think that he was actually going to have to resort to the old ways to have Sookie as this entire dating endeavor seemed hopeless, Eric asked, "Are there any other rules."

"One last one from what I could tell."

"Which is?"

"Whenever Sookie asks your opinion on her appearance you must never answer in the negative. It is especially important if she is asking if she looks good in a dress. Apparently many men find themselves dumped if their women ask if a dress makes them look fat and they tell the truth."

Not understanding, Eric pressed, "So if Sookie purchases a dress and models it for me, asking my opinion, if I don't like it I'm supposed to lie?"

"Yes."

"But you just said that I'll be dumped if I don't maintain open and honest communication, so wouldn't my telling her she looks good when she doesn't be breaking one of the fundamental dating rules?"

"Apparently it's a loophole, but Dear Abby is clear that you must at all times be sensitive to Sookie's feelings about her image. Apparently women today are very sensitive about their bodies."

"This all seems ridiculous."

Pam shrugged before saying, "OH! And there was one more thing, and it is of vital importance. Women have actually caused their men harm over it."

Curious now, Eric questioned, "What is it?"

"Whenever Sookie's Aunt Flow is in town you must be especially nice to her. Agree with everything she says, and never provoke her in any way."

"Sookie doesn't have an Aunt Flow. Her background check indicated she had only her brother and that idiot cousin Hadley."

Tapping her clippings, Pam argued, "Not according to these. Dear Abbey is very specific about this. All women have an Aunt Flow and she apparently comes to visit often, and when she does boyfriends must be on their best behavior. If you upset Sookie during this visit you have committed the most heinous of crimes and there is likely no hope to keep from being dumped. Dear Abbey is adamant that sensitivity is paramount."

"I will simply have to limit the amount of time this relative is allowed in Sookie's company. I will not have this woman jeopardizing my relationship with Sookie. You will hire trackers to find her and bring her before me. I'll need to have a discussion with her so she understands just who is in charge around here, and that she is not to cause problems for me. Is there anything else I should know?"

Shuffling her papers together, Pam handed them over and added, "I've highlighted all the text you should go over personally, and collected the most valuable articles. You can read more on the subject if you like, but I've done all I can. The rest you must study Sookie extensively to carry out, and that's not my job. You're the one that wants to be with her."

Taking the offered items, Eric pointed out, "You just said you wanted her."

"I said I wanted to fuck her. Totally different." Pointing at all of her research, Pam continued, "Dating is far too complicated and tedious for me. I'll stick with women that are satisfied with my abundant finances, nimble fingers, and very talented tongue. I'll leave the dating, open and honest communication, and seat-putting-down to you. Good night, Master, and good luck. You're obviously going to need it."

When Pam spun around and strode out of his house, her heels clicking along his wood floor as she went, Eric thought, '_The old ways were much better. Sailing the uncharted seas, attacking and fighting rival villages, and stealing women was a hell of a lot easier than dating. Stupid human customs._'

Gathering his research materials, Eric retreated to his office. He needed to study the notes Pam had provided him and begin planning his attack. He was going to conquer dating, damnit! He was Eric Northman and he would not be dumped!

THE END!


End file.
